You know what it means right? You know it right? I'm sure you do. You absolutely know what it means. So why don't you tell me?

On the other hand, I so freaking sorry ben. I SHOULDN'T HAVE NEGLECTED YOU ALL THESE WHILE WHEN I WAS HAPPILY DEPRESSED. I AM FREAKING SORRY THOUGH YOU DIDN'T SAY A WORD AT ALL. I KNOW. I SUCK. IM SORRY.

okay, i love you, i think.

nike run + boys like girls = diet + rock concert = WHAT MORE!?

I'm feeling so angry now till my heart's beating so damn fast.

lesson learnt: don't be too friendly and make so many friends.

on the other hand, i've decided to wake up at 10 and watch wangzibianqingwa before going for nike run. i think i need to calm my nerves before meeting people that just triggered the fire in me. if not, i might just explode in their face and end it with a middle finger.

sometimes, i blame myself for making friends. if you had no friends, you wouldn't have to face this shitty side of theirs that you totally abhor and can't wait to go up to their face and slap it a thousand times. Im serious

okay, maybe not DON'T make friends at all. perhaps selectively.

i'm totally grateful for people like wifey and clique, and jayjay with weister. Totally.

Nope, I'm not fishing for any positive compliments.

I have long hair now. And it's getting a little hard to handle, cos I have alot of hair. They're thick per strand and thick in amount.

No, at this very sober moment of mine, I've decided to type this out.

I'm not drunk. You know in shows? Where people 'Jie jiu xiao chou (drinking to ease their pain/suffering)? I think it's hilarious lor. You pay so much, to get yourself a major hangover the next day, and probably puke all over your body, if you're a guy, there's high chance that you might be on the streets, beside a lamp post. And if you're a girl, there is a super high chance you'll be in some strange cheapo hotel, naked and/or probably robbed of both your chastity and moneyyy. Dumb right? Okay, perhaps you have another perspective towards it. But you can't deny that fact right? It's not as if it's gonna solve any damn problem in life. It's escapism.

If people like me were to escape, you should really pity them and give them a hug, because they actually have no idea about what they are escaping from. It's like a general thing. Like suddenly, one day, you woke up on the wrong side of the bed and everything goes wrong. You dislike everybody, and whatever anybody does, is totally wrong. I don't know if using the phrase "Wrong thing and Wrong time" would be good because it's not their fault, but yours, but then again, not entirely your fault because you never meant to do it and feel that way. However, people misunderstands and it's the end. After the misunderstanding of you, people's impression of you is heading downhill and it'll take forever to climb back - but you can, with the help of your friend, you definitely can. Sometimes, in life, all we need is just a little push, and we'll be going on, forever.

Okay, I totally couldn't see the point of the last paragraph. Do you know what it means? Do share, I have no idea what I just typed. Everything was just entering my pea-sized brain and yeah baby, it's now all there. I actually wanted to type about something pretty pessimistic, but I ended up encouraging people? WOW. It's okay, even if you forgot most of me, you'll still remember me as the girl that made your day by smiling even though her own world is pretty crushed.

No, I said I'm not drunk.

You know, sometimes, I feel very inferior? Like ultra inferior- be it in physical or mental wise, I'll feel inferior one lor. Which is really a neagtive thing I should be doing because everyone should have high self esteem, okay, maybe not high, but moderate, enough for you to get by without getting squashed (highly impossible) You see, physical wise - I know myself the best. I'm not pretty, not hot, not thin, not stylo or whatever. I'm fat and round, a little cranky and sometimes moodswings, I talk nonsense at times and I think I'm a waste of space. I have low self esteem, I don't even dare to wear clothes that are sleeveless or what thereofs because I have flabby arms and if I reveal them, I might just flap them and fly to outerspace. (there are many more, i just don't wanna demoralise myself)

Actually, I don't really know what's so inferior about it. Because it doesn't really cause any dire consequences. People with all those awesome stuff uses it to gain all the popularity in the world - which I don't desire of, especially UNWANTED attention. Thanks, but no thanks. But sometimes, it's just the inferiority complex playing around with all the hormones and nerves, adjusting the way I think, like now - not focused and rebutting myself like FREEEEEEEE - with my eyes barely open. BARELY

So while my classmates are pubbing and clubbing, here am I blogging and yawning like an outcast. SIGHS. I'm tired - literally, for I ran today and did some changing room exercises, and mentally, where I'm super tired of facing the world. So now what, is this an emo post or? Sometimes, I... uuh, i forgot what I wanted to say.

I'll go now. Because the night is still young baybeh.

:D / D:

I'm ecstatic!

In about 12 hours time, I'll be running around the track, i'll be running around the track - trying to shake off my fats.

In about 11 hours time - LIBERATION DAYS OFFICIALLY STARTS (get over it lynette leee).

Ok. I think Andy Warhol is quite cute. HAHA. too bad he's gay. :(

how come all the guys that I like or I think are cute or hot are gay or sissies or bisexuals or married or not interested in girls or taking a break or damn young or just being gay huh huh huh huh huh..

then again, gays are hot. i've always wanted a sissy guy friend that's straight, someone that I can call a sister. I think it's nice to have such a person by your side. their sense of fashion would be fab and they're so smart - probably with artists too. then I can save the trouble of learning everything as he'll be there to bitch stuff to me.

i think if i had such a buddy, bitching would be my ultimate past time. :(

okay there are so many things that i wish, i want and i hope. i somehow like got my thoughts sort out, that if i wasn't born, life wouldn't be the same for many people. HAHAHAHAHAH BASKET. IM LIKE INCREASING MY OWN SELF WORTH. STFU

I actually wish that the days would rain more. because it kinds of fit in with the nostalgic era now, for me at least.

i.need.to.freaking.run.

i.want.to.lose.another.8kg.

not.put.on.another.8kg.

okay, i've decided. since i like phelps and lochte, i shall swim. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. lynette swimming? OMGAH. FLOATING YOUR MEAN.

HELLOH, I AM LINDSAY LOHAN AND I THINK YOU CAN MAKE IT. PRESSON FOR I AM LINDSAY LOHAN.

fuck, i feel very demoralised right now now now now now now.

i could kill a pillow.

The thinning of the society

she looked calm as she lay in that covered-up-bed, only revealing her head to us. Her once thick white hair was left with only a few strands on her head, thinning, quick and merciless. I stared at her for quite awhile, thinking that all these must have been a dream, that she would suddenly sit up and give me a hug, speaking in hakka, saying that she misses me alot and that I've grown up to be a big girl. It's been about 6 or 7 years since she came over for a new year visit. 7 years since I last saw her at her 80th birthday. I remember giving her a hug, while taking in a deep breath of her powdery smell. She was all well then. Except for a few complains on her back. I looked at her wrinkled skin that was unusually thin on her forehead, and my cousin pointed out to us that one of the vessels burst - that's why there seem to be a blood clot near her temple. The lipstick that they applied for her wasn't of the colour that she would usually use, it was pink, making her look very proud and arrogant when actually deep down, she's someone fun and loving. I wanted to wipe that lipcolour away and applied a more subtle shade for her. Though old, she still wants to be pretty.

The warm hearted queen has gone - leaving her kingdom in distress. Her eldest son, no where to go except to live with his overbearing sister that he's afraid of. I look at my cousin. Old, too, though slightly slow in his mentality, he gave us a "everything's gone" look and looked away. It was until I sat next to him, then we started talking, which I believed, to be the very first time. He remembers me. He said that I used to be round and fat when I was young, very cute. All I could was just to smile at him, giving him a very sorry look and said "yeah, that was very long ago" The moments of silence were caused by him remembering his mother as he stared at her photo. It was indeed a pretty photo of her, smiling. My heart cringed and I wanted to cry out loud. But I couldn't, I don't know why. She was still alive few hours ago. And she left just like that. Leaving everything behind. All the unity that she has brought into the family are bound to fall apart when she's gone. She was the main reason why everybody is still coming together. Finally, after much tolerance, I took out my Literature notes and started to read.
My female cousin took a piece of my note and read it. "JC? That's very good. Very very good. I always wanted to go JC, but couldn't." I gave her a smile and looked away. You could take my place in JC now if you want. I desperately wanted to tell her the torture of the current education system, but I decided not. I did it once to my sister and it was the end, I cried.

All the 'Good, JC good" speeches from all those relatives that I barely remember made me feel that I should finish this education system up. Everyone's pinning their hopes on me. If I don't do well, I'm not only letting down myself, but also every single one of them.

I took a look at all those strangers that were introduced to me, I barely remember some of them. I barely knew of their existence.

"Tai gu, Biao Jie, Biao ge, Xiao Yi..."

"What's your name?"

"Lynette."

"Huh?"

"Oh, uh, Ling."

I doubt they knew me either.

"The curse of the ageing population"

I read Cher's entry on her late grandmother a few weeks back. It was a beautiful remembrance, as if a photograph was taken at that point of time because everything she describe was just of serenity and peace. The curse of the ageing population - as what Cher said.

And then, I thought to myself "I'll never be able to pen down such beautiful thoughts of a person, I'll never." Why? I haven't met with any deaths yet, except for my distant Godmother during the June holidays. I haven't met a death that seemed to be impactful to my life yet. I haven't lost someone that played a huge role in my life and that I could remember clearly of. I have very vague memories of my Godmother, except for the fact that she is a peranakan and hunches. From seeing her able to walk and then wheelchair bound. From her kissing me when I was young, till she doesn't when I was slightly older. Which then I stopped visiting her house because she apparently cared more about my niece and I was just wasting time down there. But when she left, she left. Which meant no more kisses and no more ignoring. No more of nothing.

And now, the sudden news of her passing away stunned me, stunned me enough to divert my attention from the TV which was playing some drama show to my Mom. The phonecall was a nasty one. The fact that she wanted to see me and parents for the last time made my heart cringed. The sadness was a different one - different from all the heartaches that you get in school. Different from all the discouragements you get from teachers and different from the sufferings you had to tolerate from the people you hated. It was like as if I lost a part of myself. I can't wait to see her again, but I don't wish to see her. I don't want to see such a her.

She was the only Auntie that spoke pretty loud. And the only Auntie that always talks to me in Hakka - although I never understand much. She was the only Auntie that I thought her white hair looked perfectly awesome on her. And the only Auntie that I enjoyed being with. Her kids are awesome. I love the family.

And then, I witness the selfishness of the human nature. Was a phonecall so difficult for you, my dear Uncle, to my call your elder brother, my father, despite instructions from her? I think so. Perhaps a cyclone hit your flat, that's why you couldn't call. It's okay. I totally understand your disastrous situation. Totally. And I do hope I don't have to see you later. People like you disgust me.

As much as I know Lit and Art are the only subjects left, by leaving my school work to attend the wake is already a very hasty and risky situation. But then again, personal failure or the last time to see someone dear before they're gone forever - which one would you choose? I think most of us would choose to fail on your own. I don't know. Perhaps the minority (or the majority) would think that seeing someone for the last time isn't important at all, people like you-know-who. Uncle would be there though.

One day I wa found and the next I was lost.

I need to be strong
And I need to move on with my life
You know it's not that I don't care
So don't make me feel bad
It's not fair

You know it's not easy to do
Turning my back on me and you

Smiles they turned into tears
And all of my dreams
They all disappeared

It's funny how things turn around

Personal Belongings. Who likes to share? No one. I always thought that life was like black and white. Until when I grew older, and experienced things that my parents never taught me how to respond or handle, I risked and gambled and tried to play fate. Did things that I never thought I would do since young. Ambitions of being a teacher were totally casted out of the window because I told myself to study hard to get out of school as soon as possible and not study hard, get out of school and get back into the education system - that's like suicide. The older I grew, the more cynical I got about life because all the beautiful things in life are NOT free and therefore, being not rich, I suffer. Perhaps, it's just the perception. My perception of life seems to be pretty tainted all thanks to the education system and the way of life in Singapore. Can't blame me. Brought up in such an environment, it's hard to not adapt.

Okay, I sound very cynical now. And I don't like. Now it's back to Darcy.

Tell me why I should stay.

I was feeling extremely horrible yesterday after staying in school to study with jayem and Michelle. No doubt it was PRETTY productive, but I don't know what's going up there in that brain(if there is) of mine.

Horrible? Don't know leh. Although in the morning, I ran more than 3.2km with jayem at 8, which therefore supposed to make me feel happier because I'm like finally getting my running schedule up. Not exactly preparing for Nike race (i totally have no idea what's gonna happen), but praying hard that I won't be the last or any stupid stitches would just come along and bite my flabby stomach. I want to get the bracelet though - sounds exciting. Was quite proud of the fact that I didn't purchase fries to eat. Really glad.

But I don't know what happened then. Supposed to go to Daiso to have a Shopping Retail Therapy (SRT) session with Mich, but didn't cos the weather was heavy and we were all pretty shagged. Daiso is a potential place for me to have SRT, cheap and unique -Not a bad combi ah.

Buy some junk, throw at home, collect dust and Mom will scold. ( IS IT ME OR WHAT. WHY DOES IT RHYME!?)

So today, I did nothing much but just feeling horrible about yesterday. I'm living such a loser life.

Anyway, was surfing and came upon ADIDAS website.

Adidas is organizing a donation event. Where we are allowed to participate by just donating our old sports shoe of any brand to the adidas outlets(majority of them) and pick a brand new adidas sport shoes on the given shelf - and the best part is, you just have to pay a small part of the price! It's on till early Sep :(

Every 20 pairs of old stinky sports shoes you donate, 1 pair will be generated and given to the less fortunate. AWESOME OR WHAT. I'm gonna steal my dad's running shoe and mom's taichi shoe to donate! HAH! OKAY, i know the details are so little - Sorry. Just retyping whatever I read few hours ago. Check out the adidas website! The only reason it's here because I have alot of sporty friends. HAHA

I was thinking of donating my Adidas boots. BUT THEN WHAT THE HECK, IT IS THE PAIR THAT BROUGHT ME SO MUCH TEARS AND JOY AND GLORY TO THE TEAM MAN. I might just live in regret for the next 70 years of my life. And i just bought my Adidas sport shoe last year! As much as I would love to give it away, My mom would just kill me.

So fun! It reminds me of project work somehow. Woah, if we had this idea, I think it's awesome. AHAHAHA. On the other hand, I'm really glad you're gone, project work - and the Curtain Descends...

Sometimes, when I get all angst up for no apparent reason, I really wonder why am I getting so agitated over stuff that I don't even know. The feeling contains hatred, sympathy and apathy at the same time. SO TELL ME WHAT SHOULD I DO..................... No, actually, no thanks. Don't tell me what to do because i'm falling for you... OKAY THATS JUST A SONG I MADE UP. HAHA..
sometimes i tell myself "sleep lynette, sleep. then you won't have to face this world and live up to their expectations anymore."

eat eat eat eat huh huh huh huh huh

eat till you die. stupid fat pig. GAH.

whole day only know how to eat and sleep and want to shit.

FAT BITCH TALKING.

Monstrously got raped by math paper - deservingly for I didn't study for it as I was being suffocated by Suwen and Nica drawing men's groins. Lit wasn't that bad, I think. Definitely better than MYE'S. So far, GP, Econs and Lit P5 wasn't too bad - overall wise. Except Math. Oh god, when will I ever pass math?

To think, last year, at the end of promos I was so into math to the extent of going to changi airport the entire day and force myself to look at Pure Math purely. Then, Serena (ex-ex touchrugcoach) left us. Derelyn(excoach) came and touch rugby was like a new thing all over again. Being me, naturally I got more interested in the 'newer' thing, which is TouchRugby and there goes my resilience for Math. No doubt TouchRugby has trained us to be resilient and persevering. But for academics wise, it's slightly different. (except for the 'mugging' part) It's not about the process but the final plan. In TouchRugby games, the final score was never important, at first it was to us (newbies excited to win), but after defending with heart, and soul and body, we do realise that the process - where we play together, defend together, cry together and scream together was the most memorable thing.

Academics, different right? The final score does matter alot. A's matter. Prelims, Midyears don't. That's what I'm talking about.

I need to have a much more optimistic view. And should get rid of this lackadaisical attitude towards school and studies, of mine, at least for the next 5 years. And channel all these unknown forces of lackadaisical aura and divert it on people who requires immediate attention - like you know who. HAHAHAH aiyo nette, you are so bitchy. How come you come to jaysee already then become so bitchy huh huh huh huh

Other than that, I really hate school - sighs.

Okay, you know this 7pm show on channel 8? I don't know the title though I've been watching it since the first episode. It's the 4th episode now. And it's damn hilarious, in a way that this couple got married within 2 weeks. And before that, when they were kidnapped and almost killed at the same time, HE ACTUALLY PROPOSED TO HER LEH OMGAH. Funny or what. It's like "Will you marry me!?" "YES!!" And they DIDN'T DIE. Tada. So now they're gonna get married next week and the guy's mother is like one tough nut to crack.

Okay, next time don't get married. DON'T GET MARRIED OKAY I TELL YOU. Okay. Sian.
I don't know what I want and what to do.

I feel like killing myself now.

So much for asks and cylclical thing. :(

THIS IS FOR CHAN JIA YU :D

Phelps!!!

PHELPS!!
LOCHTE!!!
LOCHTE AND PHELPSS!!! OMGAHHHHH

JAYJAY! HAHAHAHAHAHAH OMGAHHH okay, ryan lochte and michael phelps are like owning every event now. :) I'm very hei pi.

On the other hand, Olympics came at a very wrong time. HAHAHAHA. I'm quite glued to the TV now cos of all these swimming and running and gymnastics events. :O

They are very cute. Even my laoniang thinks so lorrrr :D So when my laoniang says so, all other opinions against them will be null and voided. I don't care. HAHAHAH

My favourite mug/cup, is the Olympics Swimming Glass Cup that I got from Macs while upsizing my McChicken Meal!!!! And to think when I wanted the onion rings, the cashier said I cannot have student meal, cos the onion rings don't come with student meals. So I had no choice.

But I'm glad I had no choice cos my 'no choice' got me a cup of the Olympics Swimming Category!!!

Okay, I'm very composed now. Really Composed. Yes, I am hen composed.

Othello, Lear, Joseph Schumpeter and Keynes all can go kill themselves right now. Official spoilers for the Olympics. GAHHH.

:D

If there was like Olympics for Rugby, it's really the end for my prelims already, Bye.

Classic Nonsense at 1245am

j . h ♣ running out of time . . says:
look at jannie and u
j . h ♣ running out of time . . says:
drastic change ok
j . h ♣ running out of time . . says:
kj oso
j . h ♣ running out of time . . says:
the HAIR especially
i'll never let you find me says:
hahahaha
i'll never let you find me says:
OMG
i'll never let you find me says:
no have
j . h ♣ running out of time . . says:
u play rugby play until got long hair
i'll never let you find me says:
HAHAHAHAHHAHAHA

Classic Nonsense, very classic especially from tanjunhong, likeomgahhh

-x-

You know, when I was younger, like really young, about primary 1 or 2. I used to cross out classmate's face whom I don't like on the class photo. HAHAHA it made me felt better after the crossing out.

On the good side: I was like eliminating them from my life, that year that I was with them. I was probably eliminating all the bad stuff that they did to me and whatever verbal assaults they said. (I was a prominent figure for the bullies cos I was fatround.)

On the bad side: I was crossing their face. Making a target for myself to never stoop to a level as low as them and as if having power over them, I decide to choose I can cross out with them smiling at me because they can do nothing about it.

And there were serious cases like circling them, instead of crossing them out: that is to remember this fucked up face and never forget them, much less forgive.

Actually, I have no idea if all these actually happened, but it seems to in my memory, though very very very very vague.

And now, when I think about all these (assuming I really did it), I feel like a serial killer. HAHAHA. Of course all these psychotic stuff stopped at p3. Returned back at Sec1, and then stop before Sec 2 all the way till now. I was just wondering, if I did it again this time, will I feel better? After all there are pretty lots of crosses I had to draw on the picture.

wtf.

I think my body was actually made for a very weak person. Probably for someone that lazes at home, falls sick 3/4 of the time, studies in the day, sleeps sufficiently, eats healthy food, has a very fair skin, cannot run or play sports, cannot stay up late, (whatever I'm doing..), etc. My body is meant to be fatter than the current situation.

In less than a month, I've fallen sick twice, this time, thrice, and it's always at the most inappropriate time.

First time: Just before wIll run additional runs for Miss Yeo and Cynthia.
Second time: One week after I "recovered" from First Time, I had fever, just before wIll run.

Third time aka now: 2 weeks after Second Time, on Minling's birthday celebration, and a few days before prelims.

Awesome \m/

:(

Give me a good reason why am I online.

Garbage.

With the many assurance from friends, I feel absolutely high and euphoric after getting to know that there will be no school on Thurs and Fri. Finally, serenity and peace - totally away from school and everybody - I like. (additional pros - sleeping very very in, and more time with etten, awesome.)

Word of the day for today (frequency of use): Awesome.

Been using it for quite a number of times today. Because I refuse to be left speechless by friends who irritate the shit out of me (I don't know why, but the numbers are like increasing everyday, I fear it's me, or I simply have a face that everybody likes to irritate:), so I'll "AWESOME!" in their face with a very excited face of mine and walk away - too tired to entertain. As much as I would like to take Ms Zeenat's stand of "I've come here to teach, not to entertain.", I can't possibly take the same stand, cos half of my life, I've been entertaining people, including people I don't like. I'm sorry for being hypocrite. The world taught me that.(HAHAHAHA) Awesome.

Something's that's been in my mind for quite sometime: I hate my class - in general.

I'm okay with individuals. I swear. But as whole, No thank you.

Stupid people who will like comment on the songs I/others listen to. Commenting's fine. Putting down's not fine - it pisses me off. I didn't even say anythng about your pop/dance kind of music which I would daresay is an embarrassment, in your case of putting my type of music down. So just shut the fuck up and the world will be a better place. You can go disintegrate from the face of the Earth, I won't bother.

Speaking of "face of the Earth", I realised that 1A04 DID disappear from the face of the Earth. Why? You mean, 2A04's a class? HAHAH. Where? Why? Besides assembling in a line as a class, where else? Oh er. Nothing else, my lord. Nothing.

And yeah, Nothing will come out of nothing and nobody gives a fuck about it cos it's eventually nothing. Started off with nothing and will definitely end off with nothing - logic what.

Some girls from girl's school disgust the shit out of me. Weister, you're one of the very very few that prevents me from stereotyping all of them.

I'm like wasting my fucking time on this fucked up bunch of group when I could have just done my fucked up econs homework. :(

and my mom thinks IM the one picking fights with my classmates. woah, awesome. Dear mom, the mistakes i've done, as compared to them, may be offset by the amount of fucked up stuff they've done. Wait, the first thing, I didn't even commit any single mistake - ahh yes, maybe scoring badly for O's and choosing SR and my current combi. These might be the only mistakes and I feel that there's no one, except myself that I've to account for.

oi, please, don't try to gain sympathy. don't try to fish for compliments. just don't fucking try.

Absolutely.

08-08-08 Friday.

It was wifey's birthday. I absolutely love her. (: Glad she liked the presents we got her - Yellow Braziliano Praia and NUM shirt. (together with her num guy, IM JUST KIDDING)

And so, her celebration, as "planned" by the guys, was held yesterday. I thought it was pretty awesome, except the unplanned dinner part where we had it at Kartini restaurant at Parkway. It's was awesometastically expensive, judging from the portion of food they gave us, and knowing that the boys especially weechew and junhong are bottomless pits, the food wasn't enough. No lor, not only them, in fact I felt hungry after eating the dinner too, which is really really very rare. And my plate was clean in about half an hour. HAH! Many of them had 2 servings though. Other than dinner, everything was great and finally, after being in Parkway for 3 times, they allowed me eat my long awaited Venezia ice cream. HAHA! Rum and Raisins with Dark Chocolate, AWESOME YO!

Oh, and we watched The Mummy, acted by Jet Li. It was good I think. As agreed by both Kahjun and Me, there was a certain amount of humour in it. Especially the skeleton soldiers. "EH YOUR HEAD!" HAHAH. I laughed like crap. But it was pretty scary. Got me thinking, what if those archaelogists didn't managed to like "kill" the terracotta emperor that got cursed 2000 years ago and was raised up by this Soldier that wanted the Emperor to rule over all over again at the year of 1946? Basket.

I think if the Emperor did succeed in killing off all those archaelogist, I'd
most probably be using a brush to pen down my thoughts (cursing on the way) and
after that, practising my sword skills in the back yard later on. Totally can't
imagine. Oh, with such traditional culture, I can totally see my mom forcing me
into dresses and meeting other random blind dates, and she'll be at home the
entire day, with me. Not to mention, instead of rugby, I'll most probably be
learning kung fu and aiming to beat the pugilists of everywhere (with reference
to today's context - the nationals) and my mother would be so against it that
she'll lock me in the room, arrange a marriage for me with another family of
similar background. And me, being me, will most probably dress up like a guy,
sneak out of the house and roam around the city, incidentally finding true love
and then escaping the clutches of my mom, his mom and the world.

And in school, instead of Plath, Shakespeare and Sexton, I'll most probably
be learning Li Bai's poems, 300 TangShi Poems and... (ironically, these are the
only 2 poetry I can think of right now, TILL now). School will have an easier
time. There will be no need to catch girls folding their skirts cos they're all
awesometastically long or boys having long hair cos they ARE supposed to have
long hair and girls SHOULD let down their hair. They don't really have to bother
about us wearing drawstrings anymore cos we are all supposed to tuck in our
shirts just below our breasts. Yup, that's right and life would be so
boring.

HAH! AWESOME IMAGINATION I TELL YOU. yet corny at the same time. If only I can put all these braincells into Econs, I would have utter analysis and awesome elaboration of my policies on how to improve the economy Singapore. AHH. Awesome dream.

Ended up at ECP and chilled at some pub with a pretty good outdoor ambience.

And we ended off here.

Has anybody realised that I've been bloggin on a Tuesday, Saturday, Sunday basis? NO RIGHT? I KNEW IT BYE

Identity.

The normal half an hour bus ride seemed incredibly long. I never knew that. It was probably due to the fact that I've been sleeping in the buses almost everyday whenever I travel to school. Almost everyday. The opportunity cost - special moments with yourself. I regret sleeping on buses after yesterday. The serenity that one experiences when you're all alone in your own world with the boundaries set up by your long term best friend - the Ipod, you can't help but feel a sense of nostalgia at that very moment. All the nonchalence that I've been displaying into school towards people around me does go to waste whenever I'm alone. As much as I always claim that I hate myself, I'm actually still quite frank with myself. Too tired to lie and do a facade in front of the mirror.

School makes me tired. Tired of breathing in the mephitic vapour that's creeping around in school. Tired of the vituperations that are being exchanged among so many people. Tired of deluding people. Tired of pretending.

To compensate myself, I'll make my future, which includes (next 8 years):

- NUS FASS & AAAB & appear on the school's screen for A's.
- Contact Rugger/Blacks
- Photography.
- Roaming around the world for a few months
- Going to all over the world to try all the theme parks
- Try not to get hurt all over again.

I wish I could bubblewrap my heart

in case I fall and break apart

I'm not God I can't change the Stars

I don't know if there's life on Mars

But I know you've hurt

The people that you love

And those who cared for you

I want nothing to do

With the things you're going through

This is the last time

I give up this heart of mine

I'm telling you that

I'm a broken man who's finally realised

Standing in Moonlight

But you're black on the inside

Do you think you ought to cry?

This is Goodbye.

I'm a little dazed and confused

Life's a bitch, so are you.

All my days have turned into nights

Cos living without without you in my life

And you wrote a book

About how to be aliar and lose all your friends

I mean nothing at all

Cos I'm just another ghost that's been in your bed.

Do you think you ought to cry?



This is Goodbye.

This is the Joke

I had a weird dream last night. It was pretty corny. I dreamt that I was hugging this stranger who looked very familiar and crying my guts out. No conversation, but just mutual huggings - for quite a long period of time. 

I felt better after the sleep. (I hope I really did) Woke up at 1030 with no intentions of watching my frog show, but watched it while painting - apparently more interested in Mingdao than the empty canvas in my face. 

I feel like I'm screwing things up. I need to press on. 

Actually, I'm lying, I don't feel any better.

give me a push

----

all for the love for shawn tiangster, i'm actually doing functions for him. OMG. 

I can't freaking paint right now, as much as I really want to cos time is really frigging running out. I just can't do a perfect piece of painting and how am I going to tell Miss kwa that I want to do a painting in my final and that my painting does not suck like what she said? 

I think all the anger and frustrated thoughts about Ms Kwa saying that I can't paint good stuff has gotten into me to the extent that throughout that 1 hour of trying to paint a perfect piece, her face kept appearing in my mind and the words she said about me painting kept echoing in my head. It's horrible. I don't know why am I feeling like this cos usually, I don't really get so affected to what she says. Perhaps it's just the 12km run? Or perhaps, I'm like fighting for myself - finally? I DON'T WANT TO DO A COLOUR PENCIL FOR MY FINAL. WALAO. I'M SO IRRITATED LA. 

I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY EVERYONE MUST DO THIS TO ME. So is it like if you're neither the best, nor the worst, you have to accept whatever people throw at you? Is it like if you're the best, you create your own ideas and when you suck, you totally give up? So the average people just have to accept whatever people tell them because they don't have the choice to choose whatever they want to do cos simply, they're average? It's so unfair! The best always get their way within minutes and average have to work so extremely hard to get to where the best are. It's totally not fair because I don't even have the chance to give up right now. If everything was for myself, I would have given all these up. But the fact that I'm in this fucking tertiary institution for my parents, and some other significant group of people and a beloved sport makes things super hard for me to get by. And some people are just not sensitive enough. It's not that I only have school work to get through, what about friends? What about family? What about myself? Why can't people just give me the assurance and consolation that I fucking need at this point of time instead of making me feel so downright horrible by just casting me one side? Because I'm not good enough? 

Because I'm not good enough?

I was never good enough. Never. 

Some friends are just not there, teachers just had to be like this and parents keep asking me to eat and sleep at the weirdest time for god knows why. And I just happened to be born emotional. People don't understand. They think being in a JC is big fuck and they want to live my life. If you know that most of the blog entries were typed while crying, JC life suck big time. And fuck it if you think I chose to be in a JC. Just fuck it. 

And why is it that everyone must be soo fucking competitive? Are you all upholding the quote of "Only the fittest survive"? We are not animals, so why must we compete to the extent that blood and tears must be shed by one for another's happiness? 

fuck it.